For Support Persons
Supporting a survivor of sexual trauma can be an overwhelming experience. There may be moments they cannot give much in return. Your own fears and vulnerabilities may surface. You may feel helpless at times. You will not be able to take away the past or change it, you may not even be able to change the present struggle of the person you care about. Nonetheless, your presence is a tremendous gift!
One of the more insidiously damaging aspects of sexual abuse and assault is the secrecy with which it is perpetuated. Most survivors had to endure their trauma alone and in silence. Many survivors have secondary trauma due to people they turned to for initial support minimizing or dis-believing what happened. By being present; by reminding her that she is not alone; and by hearing her experience you offer healing.
When confronted by childbirth, many women will have times of fear, crying, and doubting themselves. Offering comfort, witness and reassurance to someone who never received these gifts and/or never risked showing that vulnerability is more valuable than you may ever know.
However, you cannot do it all. In most cases, women with significant abuse or assault histories will benefit from the guidance of a professional. This in no way replaces the value of a loved one standing by her. Specifically trained counselors, doulas, social workers and midwives or OBs can , however, provide extra tools, information and support to make the journey easier. Even if the woman you care about does not want to work with a professional, you may benefit from reaching out for yourself. Click here to access a list of resources.
As you continue or begin the journey of supporting a survivor of sexual trauma here are some important things to remember:
Thank you for all you are doing and continue to do!
One of the more insidiously damaging aspects of sexual abuse and assault is the secrecy with which it is perpetuated. Most survivors had to endure their trauma alone and in silence. Many survivors have secondary trauma due to people they turned to for initial support minimizing or dis-believing what happened. By being present; by reminding her that she is not alone; and by hearing her experience you offer healing.
When confronted by childbirth, many women will have times of fear, crying, and doubting themselves. Offering comfort, witness and reassurance to someone who never received these gifts and/or never risked showing that vulnerability is more valuable than you may ever know.
However, you cannot do it all. In most cases, women with significant abuse or assault histories will benefit from the guidance of a professional. This in no way replaces the value of a loved one standing by her. Specifically trained counselors, doulas, social workers and midwives or OBs can , however, provide extra tools, information and support to make the journey easier. Even if the woman you care about does not want to work with a professional, you may benefit from reaching out for yourself. Click here to access a list of resources.
As you continue or begin the journey of supporting a survivor of sexual trauma here are some important things to remember:
- Take care of yourself. We can only offer as much strength, love and patience as we cultivate.
- She will need to hear things more than once - old truths, however false in the present, are hard to override.
- The younger person or child that was hurt is still waiting for recognition. When healing she may need to do things that seem silly or incongruent.
- Loving words or touch may be too much for her at times. Sometimes its just too stark a contrast to the pain being felt.
- Find ways to show your love that are safe for her. Keeping her favorite ice cream in the freezer, remembering to look the other way when she changes even if you do not want to; these things matter.
Thank you for all you are doing and continue to do!
